pass the burt's bees

Inspired by The Sassy Curmudgeon’s recent post - Scene From A Marriage: Blinkers Really Pump My ‘Nads, I thought I would treat you all on this Monday afternoon to a couple of things that really chap my ass.


CHAPPED past participle, past tense of CHAP (verb)
1. (of the skin) Become cracked, rough, or sore, typically through exposure to cold weather, jerkoffs with truck balls, and extreme commutes
2. (of the wind or cold) Cause (skin) to crack in this way: "chapped ass"


First, it really chaps my ass when…there is a two mile backup at the next exit and Prince Cannotbebotheredtowaithisturn in front of me in the right lane slows down about one mile in and suddenly realizes that he wants to be in that exit lane. Because he didn’t just pass the first mile worth of cars sitting entirely still on the highway. Then he comes to a complete stop just before the exit, and while waiting for some unsuspecting patsy to let him in, forces me to sit still as well. Thanks, Prince, for being such a self-centered douchebag. I’m glad that the world revolves around you.

It also really chaps my ass when…construction cones block whole lanes for weeks before any construction actually starts. It’s like the least they could do is have some bulldozers parked at regular intervals and some dudes in orange vests standing around scratching and pointing at stuff – you know, like the same props they have up “during the construction.” At least the illusion of my tax and toll money going to improve something that might possibly positively impact my daily life could ease the pain of having to sit still for a half hour while people learn to merge and the urge to spring a coffee pee leak mounts. Thanks, Missing Construction Dudes, because having to pee when the traffic is moving isn't bad enough…

And finally, it really chaps my ass when…I’m getting gas for the third time in a week (must be getting close to Friday!) and - because you can pump your own fist in NJ, but not your own gas – I gotta sit and wait for Johnny Summerjob to finally stop sexting before he notices that my tank’s been full and I’ve been waiting for the past ten minutes. Thanks, Johnny, I really wanted to put another ten minutes between me and my dinner. I appreciate that.



So those are some things that really chap my ass. What chaps yours?