Friday, February 25, 2011

an ode to potholes (as promised)

Cuz what fabulous poetry doesn’t begin with these epic lines…

roses are red
violets are blue
annoyingly bumpy potholes
make me have to use the loo

already drank my coffee
and I take that as my cue
so the unexpected turbulence
may cause a small snafu

oh, city, oh, county,
I’m speaking to you
if you can’t find a way to fix these holes
it’s my bladder you’ll answer to

Thursday, February 10, 2011

where have i been?

So I’ve been thoroughly derelict in my commute-dishing duties. The holidays came and went, and with them so did my engine (I suspect). It’s responded to a good dismantling and scrubbing like a frisky puppy – shaking and whimpering, and generally causing a raucous.

I can’t say that I blame it. 200 some miles 5 days per week now for 7 or so months. It’s overworked. It’s burntout.

I thought it’s tolerance for this commute would outlast mine, but apparently “adapt and overcome” comes with a larger price tag when it’s a vehicle’s motivation in question. Other than that, there’s nothing else new to report. Still driving.

However, I will include that snow and ice and the “wintry mix” wild card do add a new dimension to the drive. Stay tuned for a post dedicated to potholes. Coming soon.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

another thing i just don't get

So there’s something I just don’t understand. Okay, well, there are a lot of things I just don’t understand, like: where all of my paycheck disappears to over the weekend, how Bristol beat out Brandy in DWTS, and the entire subject of trigonometry. But those things aside, there’s something else that has been bugging me for ages

WHY do people feel the need the slow down to below the posted speed limit when passing a state trooper who has already pulled someone else over? Is it the magnetism of the swirling lights and like moths to a flame we are lulled into letting off the gas? Is it the spectacle of Joe Schmoe driver of said vehicle in violation trying to appear unscathed? Whatever it is, let it not be because they think they’re at risk of getting pulled over as well. The officer has already taken the bait, folks. We’ve sacrificed one for the sake of the pack. If a migrating goose is injured another goose stays behind with him, rather than traveling on.

DON’T BE A GOOSE. They poop on everything and quite frankly, they’re kind of mean.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is…maintain your speed. If you were going 75 mph before dude got plucked off, then there’s a good chance that they saw you…but wanted him more. Don’t give them an opportunity to question their decision. Keep going 75.

Monday, October 18, 2010

mad cow

Road construction is the government's way of cattle-shooting us into submission.

Next thing you know, they're gonna be trying to milk us. Oh, wait...

Friday, October 1, 2010

an important message

We now interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you this important message regarding Commuters Against Rain (CAR):

CAR is an activist organization that has been gaining popularity in rapid numbers along the Atlantic seaboard in response to a week’s worth of unrelenting inclement weather and the increasingly infuriating ineptitude of other drivers ill-equipped to navigate what some refer to as “a wet road.”

While “wet roads” may be new to some drivers, particularly those with learner’s permits or international permits issued by countries such as Saudi Arabia, Libya, and the Sudan, the average driver in the northeastern United States should expect to encounter “wet roads” with enough regularity to provide them with the experiential education necessary to maintain speed and avoid unnecessary congestion. However, according to research sponsored and conducted by CAR, lack of education seems to be precisely the issue as drivers venture out onto the “wet roads.”

Dr. Priti Ann Oyed, a scientist actively involved in CAR’s ongoing research, discusses her findings: “All studies both within and outside of the lab setting have pointed to the basic fact that people are really retarded. It’s not the conclusion that we set out to find, but it’s simply undeniable. Wet road-induced retardation is a rampant issue in this country and one that CAR plans to address immediately.”

And with the aid of crabby commuters everywhere, this issue is beginning to come to the forefront. In a recent press conference, a conservative Senator (and noted CAR constituent) also discussed his plans to tackle the issue: “Washington cannot and will not ignore this issue! Rain and retardation clearly go hand-and-hand with the growing Socialist movement in this country. We will not let big government and its various ‘agents of change’ rain on our parade. As commuters – the movers and shakers that form the very foundation of our capitalist ideals, we all have an individual right to not face retardation on our roads. The Republican Party, myself included, will join CAR in its fight to end the neo-socialist tyranny that has aggravated these driving conditions.”

While the leadership of CAR failed to return our calls to decipher the Senator’s remarks and further discuss these alleged political ties, one active member did have this to say: “Listen, I’m just an average gal with an average job, just trying to get to work on a rainy day. Sure, I would rather sit at home eating Tastykakes and watching reruns of Jersey Shore and Teen Mom. But the fact of the matter is, I have to be on the road. I have to go out there and work to support my family just like everyone else. I would just appreciate it if some steps were taken to keep either the rain or the retards off the roads. That’s CAR’s main goal and that’s why I’m a member.”