Wednesday, June 30, 2010

a commuter's manifesto

Time for some real research on my trade. The Google keywords: EXTREME COMMUTING. Click Search.

The US Census Bureau, via it’s reputable publishing source Wikipedia, defines extreme commuting as a “a daily journey to work that takes more than 90 minutes each way.” BusinessWeek.com, USAToday.com, and Investopedia.com weigh out the cost-benefit analysis of the extreme commute. Energy conservationists and psychologists join in their consensus. Survey says: it sucks. Pardon the expression but no sh*t, Sherlock.

According to the other guys, the primary motive for extreme commuting is the paradox of better-paying jobs in urban centers, and better (and less expensive) living conditions and amenities/services in the suburbs .

Let me provide you with the real motives for extreme commuting:

1. A strong desire to break the world record for holding coffee pee;
2. A fear of missing the test results of the morning radio show’s Paternity Test Tuesday;
3. An affinity for the reheated leftovers from the rest of the family’s meal;
4. An appreciation for the camaraderie formed with fellow commuters stuck in a 20 mile backup; and finally…
5. The joy of spending 3 – 4 hours a day testing patience, refining cynicism, and observing others at their best (I’m talking to you, Nose Picker in the Subaru and you, Head Banger in the Jeep).

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

step right up


So there I was, eyes peeled back like Kubrick’s Clockwork Orange, sucking down a jug of caffeine and sugar, when IT happened.

Now granted, I slept poorly last night, woke up with a raging headache and – if I’m not mistaken – an eye twitch. I could have imagined IT. How could such an atrocity be real after all? Give the gal a second…a benefit of the doubt at least. But no, IT was actually happening. Ms. Saturn Vue was backing out of a toll lane.

Now, I can relate to not having exact change; but usually when this is the case I don’t approach the lane that only accepts exact change. But for pity’s sake…even if you do – in this wonky world where you can’t tell for sure which lane you’re approaching because the lines create this optical illusion that draws you in to the concrete dividers like moths to light - even if you fall victim to this DOT cruelty...who BACKS OUT OF THE WRONG TOLL LANE DURING RUSH HOUR?!?!

I sat frozen, amazement and wonder lifting the fog of my drowsiness. Ms. Saturn Vue continued to reverse, lights flashing like a tree at Christmas. It was truly dazzling.

It was in that moment, where time stopped and the world looked on, that I made my final commitment to something I’ve been debating for a long time. I am signing up for EZ-Pass.

And to Ms. Saturn Vue: I admire your courage to go against the grain. Next time, carry quarters.

Monday, June 28, 2010

in the beginning

And on the eighth day, God created New Yorkers. They had a great many restaurants, shops, and the Madison Square Garden of Eden, but they were all alone on their island; and they were bored. So God gave them the vehicle so they could go forth and travel. It had a horn and an accelerator pedal; and it was good.

On the ninth day, God - after an alarming game of Need For Speed - perfected his vision and created everyone else. He gave them cars as well, adding sideview mirrors, turning signals, and brakes.

But, because the New Yorkers had already succumbed to the temptations of speeding and reckless lane changing, their cars could not be retrofitted with these amenities. So God took pity upon his creation and invented the middle finger. He intended it to be used to signal lane changes.

Apparently New Yorkers had other plans.

a dedication

Dear Frizzy Haired Lady driving the Mini Cooper this morning on Rt. 3,

Despite its paved appearance, the shoulder is NOT a lane. Please refrain from driving a mile down said shoulder and then cutting me off. I did take some pity this morning because you drive such a ridiculous car and because you are clearly having a rough hair day, but I will not be so kind in the future.

Sincerely, Me.

P.S. THANK YOU FOR AWAKENING MY ANGST AND INSPIRING THIS BLOG.