get beach sexy with commuter calisthenics

Something about long hours spent in the driver’s seat makes me kind of feel like Quasimodo. It’s not that I’m actively trying to protect my ponytail from increased disheveldom, but every few miles or so I realize that the upper half of my body is leaning awkwardly forward in a posture no Sketchers athletic moonshoes are ever going to resolve. Add some crows’ feet and this is my inevitable future:


I can’t let that happen. So I’ve come up with a few moves to get my duff back up to snuff. Jane Fonda and Michelle Obama would be proud. (note - clicking on illustrations will enlarge them)

FIRST: the BUTT SQUEEZE. This one is a favorite of kegelers and weekend booty shakers alike. Also useful for holding coffee pee, this move strengthens the glutes while forcing you to sit up straight! I love double-dipping! Especially Ruffles in Hidden Valley Ranch!


Squeeze and release. Repeat until you get involved in whatever's on the radio and forget what you were doing.

SECOND: the CREEPY DATE STRETCH. A patented move that has been around for ages. Not only does this reach over the passenger seat stretch out your arm, shoulder and back, its also perfect for when you're starting to doze. The only drawback is that you can only do it with one arm.


Stretch and hold. NOTE: Going in for second base with your carpool buddy during this exercise is not recommended nor endorsed by Crabby Commuter.

and THIRD: the RAISE THE ROOF. SPECIAL NOTE: best to do this one while stopped at a light or in a traffic jam. Secure steering wheel with knees and put your hands flat on the roof, pushing them back behind you as far as you can reach.


CAUTION: may cause strange stares from neighboring drivers, but forget them cuz they totally pick their noses and belt it out to old school Hanson.