We now interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you this important message regarding Commuters Against Rain (CAR):
CAR is an activist organization that has been gaining popularity in rapid numbers along the Atlantic seaboard in response to a week’s worth of unrelenting inclement weather and the increasingly infuriating ineptitude of other drivers ill-equipped to navigate what some refer to as “a wet road.”
While “wet roads” may be new to some drivers, particularly those with learner’s permits or international permits issued by countries such as Saudi Arabia, Libya, and the Sudan, the average driver in the northeastern United States should expect to encounter “wet roads” with enough regularity to provide them with the experiential education necessary to maintain speed and avoid unnecessary congestion. However, according to research sponsored and conducted by CAR, lack of education seems to be precisely the issue as drivers venture out onto the “wet roads.”
Dr. Priti Ann Oyed, a scientist actively involved in CAR’s ongoing research, discusses her findings:
“All studies both within and outside of the lab setting have pointed to the basic fact that people are really retarded. It’s not the conclusion that we set out to find, but it’s simply undeniable. Wet road-induced retardation is a rampant issue in this country and one that CAR plans to address immediately.” And with the aid of crabby commuters everywhere, this issue is beginning to come to the forefront. In a recent press conference, a conservative Senator (and noted CAR constituent) also discussed his plans to tackle the issue:
“Washington cannot and will not ignore this issue! Rain and retardation clearly go hand-and-hand with the growing Socialist movement in this country. We will not let big government and its various ‘agents of change’ rain on our parade. As commuters – the movers and shakers that form the very foundation of our capitalist ideals, we all have an individual right to not face retardation on our roads. The Republican Party, myself included, will join CAR in its fight to end the neo-socialist tyranny that has aggravated these driving conditions.” While the leadership of CAR failed to return our calls to decipher the Senator’s remarks and further discuss these alleged political ties, one active member did have this to say:
“Listen, I’m just an average gal with an average job, just trying to get to work on a rainy day. Sure, I would rather sit at home eating Tastykakes and watching reruns of Jersey Shore and Teen Mom. But the fact of the matter is, I have to be on the road. I have to go out there and work to support my family just like everyone else. I would just appreciate it if some steps were taken to keep either the rain or the retards off the roads. That’s CAR’s main goal and that’s why I’m a member.” 
